I've lived with depression on and off officially since my early 20s, and I think I've had it undiagnosed since childhood as a result of suffering a huge number of losses during my formative years while also being bullied relentlessly all the way through my school experience. I've never medicated, and I never want to. Not because I think there is anything wrong with being medicated, I just detest pills and I don't even take painkillers for a headache unless it's a migraine.
As we get older and go through enough seasons of life we begin to see cycles repeating. For example, every year I get the winter blues for a couple of weeks and my 'black dog' flares up occasionally for a few days a couple of times a year and I can always manage it and get myself back on track very quickly because I recognise when I'm slipping and take steps to course correct. However, once every seven years my depression decides to take me out at the knees and keep me down for a few months, and it's usually because I have a lot going on at once, and neglect myself - often because I'm trying to cope with a lot of big stressful situations at once on top of supporting someone else through their dramas without realising that I am not keeping anything in my tank for myself...and then wonder why I can't get out of bed in the morning.
I've done a lot of growing emotionally and spiritually the last 5 years: journalling, being mindful, learning how to life better.
But this doesn't stop me making mistakes.
Knowledge about how cars and roads work doesn't stop you from taking your eyes off the road and then wondering why you've smacked into a tree and now everything hurts. This has happened to me this year. I knew from around February that I was slipping but I was like 'it's fine, because I'm aware I'm slipping, I won't fall'. Wrong. I firmly believe that the universe keeps throwing the same life lessons to smack us round the face until we wake up and actively choose to do things differently. In the same way we can't keep picking at a scab and expecting it to heal, we can't hope that because time has passed and we've survived something that it won't ever come back. It does.
Until we choose differently, things will never change.
Unless we get our arm set after breaking it, it will never heal properly and work right, and sometimes we have to cut ourselves open to find the part that healed wrong - the part that did its best to keep going and keep working when you didn't have the tools to help it -we have to pull it apart, and set it properly, and then care for it and nurture it while it heals fully. It will never be good as new, because we will always carry the scars with us - and these remind us both of what broke us, what healed us, and the journey from one to the other, giving us the wisdom to not make the same mistakes. It won't be 'good as new', but it will be stronger than it was before.
I learned something pretty horiffic the other day. Did you know that while it's in its chrysalis a caterpillar basically liquidises so that it can reform itself into a butterfly? GRIM. Also, that sounds horrendously painful. But it's also very symbolic of the healing process. It's often horribly painful and destructive when we realise we have fallen apart, but as we take the time to heal, and exercise compassion, acceptance of our shadow and our light, learn from our shadow selves and practise self love, we can emerge as someone changed - and almost always for the better.
The way I see it, with my 38 years of life experience on this planet now, of falling on my face repeatedly and making bad decisions and falling apart - it's at these times of the worst depressions, the biggest faceplants, when I find myself scrabbling up the walls trying frantically to claw my way out that it is 1) exactly the time I need, like the caterpillar, to be still. To nurture myself and be gentle with myself because I am in the process of transforming, and once I am out the other side, amazing things will happen. These periods of darkness are never welcomed, but they have always come when I've ironically most needed them. I NEEDED life to smack me so hard that I am forced to sit down and be still. Eventually, once I've dried my tears of hurt and anger and disappointment at the unfairness of it, I will look around me to see that I'd taken a wrong turn somewhere and the path I'd been walking down was never the path I intended on taking, or was supposed to be on.
Therapy
Therapy to help you out of this messy tangled dark place is something that I am SO happy is becoming a mainstream and acceptable thing for people to do, and to talk about, instead of the taboo subject wrapped up in shame and talked about in hushed tones it was even as little as 15 years ago. 'Therapy is for crazy people or people who have reaaaaaally messed up issues who have gone through giant italicised T trauma, and you're just weak because you can't handle the crap that existing as a human on this planet throws at you' (obviously not, because you never had the tools to handle it, because the generations before you, who taught you how to human and how to life, didn't learn them either - they just accepted toxicity as normal and didn't even realise change on that level was possible).
The downside to therapy becoming standard, acceptable and mainstream is that in the UK anyway, unless you can afford to pay for help privately, the waiting lists on the NHS are so long if you are truly struggling, eg with thoughts of suicide, waiting 6 months for an appointment to start getting help may be the final straw. Private therapists vary greatly both in terms of price and quality. I'm in Surrey in the UK, and the cheapest I've found near me is £70 an hour, with the average being £120 an hour. My friend sees an EMDR therapist for £200 an hour. Most people, especially in this economic climate, cannot afford this.
I don't believe mental health should be inaccessible to anyone because of cost. Most independent therapists sites infuriatingly refuse to put their fees on their website, forcing people to contact them for an enquiry - no doubt preying on vulnerable people being desperate for help being prepared to agree to whatever they say just to stop feeling like shit. I would never EVER go with a therapist no matter how good they were because of this - it's exploitative.
There are of course, options like Betterhelp, which are more financially accessible for people but it really does have a lot of mixed reviews. My own personal experience was that the therapist I was hooked up to did 90% of the talking and by the end of the month I knew more about her autistic son's doctors appointments than I think she knew about me. She was a nice person, but compared to the therapist I had in my 20s asking me how I felt every 5 mins it was night and day.
There are also apps. Which are also paid for (although pro tip, if you go through a free trial and they give you a reduced price offer, decline the first two and they'll eventually give you an offer for 60%+ off which makes it actually a reasonable, affordable price for a years subscription). I have Youper on my phone. I LOVE this app. I love that I can keep track of my moods and gain insight into what things contribute to feeling certain things - for example when I am feeling gratitude, it's usually because of sunny weather and my friends. When I am feeling anxious it's usually because of uncertainty due to drama school applications and boys. It shows you a chart where your daily checkins of your mood can show your progress so even if you don't feel like you're improving you can see that even though you feel numb and tired now which makes it hard to see positive change, you had much less sad/anxious days than you did two weeks ago. They also have an ai powered chatbot which I have mixed feelings about. I harbour extreme hatred for ai, but I have to admit that the chatbot on this is good and offers far more practical cbt tips for dealing with my latest drama than my betterhelp therapist ever did.
Thankfully, for those willing to put on some armour and a dive mask, there is another option
Gaining traction and social acceptability in the wellness community, are Tarot and oracle cards. I've been casually using tarot for years because I've always been drawn to mystical 'weird' stuff, and frequently used Trusted Tarot to pull a card mainly for entertainment. I only really recognised its true value as a tool for mental health and self reflection more recently when something drew me to actually understand what these weird little cards were all about that fortune tellers used to predict tall dark strangers wandering into your life, and was pleasantly surprised to realise that this was not what they were about whatsoever. I bought my first deck of tarot cards in 2022 and have used them constantly ever since. They have helped me answer so many questions, and understand and gain clarity on so many things I'd got my brain in a knot over. I personally never use them for 'fortune-telling' I don't want to know what my future holds for me - the future hasn't happened yet so none of it is real. However as much as I adore Tarot and get so much from it, I wanted to dig deeper and expand my practise with oracle cards. You don't NEED these. You can get by just fine with a tarot deck alone, as I have for the past couple of years, but as you develop your practise and your relationship with the cards you can adapt how you use them to suit you.
Youtube is full of people showing their oracle deck collections. It seems to be a thing among American youtubers in particular I've noticed - they can't just have a few things they have to obsessively collect and hoard. If that's their jam then that's fine and also they're managing to make an income and help people through something that brings them joy and peace and clarity so good for them, but seeing all these INSANE collections of hundreds of tarot and oracle decks it made me realise firstly how many variations of tarot and oracle cards there were out there, and that different oracle card decks were better suited for some things than others. Before I knew it I had a basket full of pretty decks my magpie artist/designer brain had gone 'ooh shiny!' over. But I realised that I didn't want this to be escapism. I needed it to be functional. I wanted to use each deck intentionally - being pretty wasn't good enough. I needed a plan. So I sat down and figured out exactly what I wanted from my practise and what options supported that best, and how they could work together.
I know I approach my tarot practice from a more 'psychological tool for self-reflection' standpoint, but because of how much my cards have helped me, and the fact that I'm a superstitious Celtic biddy, I do regard my cards with reverence. I don't just see them as 'things', and yes, I do talk to them, like a crazy person, and always thank them for their help afterwards. Tarot even has moods - if you ask it a stupid question, they'll give you a stupid answer and I want to keep on their good side.
I choose to see my decks as a counsel - like a group of elders who I can go to for help, and each 'person' has specific expertise in something.
I view my tarot cards as a lamp that shines a light on a map showing me my path
The map is my spread: it shows me where I've been, where I'm headed, what bumps and roadblocks are in my path and how that will affect me if I choose to stay on that particular path, and it draws attention to things that have been influencing me that I need to take a closer look at that may not be serving my highest good. It also shows me what possibilities are open to me if I choose to pivot and take a different path, and what that path might look like.
Tarot never lies. However a lot of the time I don't know what the hell it's on about. Out of a 12 card spread I frequently have one card which I know is important or it wouldn't be there, and yet I have no idea what the heck it's trying to tell me.
This is where my oracles step in.
Oracle cards are not part of a suit like Tarot.
They don't (in my experience) go through a journey like the Tarot, where you start with the ace and end with the king. They are individual cards that usually have a guiding visual you can intuitively read from and key words, and they come with a guidebook which tells you more information about the card - often roping in symbolism from folklore and mythology etc. There are so many different types and styles of oracle card there is something for everyone.
I see Tarot and oracle like mirrors - you hold them up and they reflect back at you and trigger things in your mind and body and get you thinking, and seeing your question from many perspectives including ones you wouldn't think of yourself. And your brain takes all this information and gets whirring in problem solving mode - forging connections between the cards to come up with a narrative that eventually answers your question, or at the very least offers an insight you'd not considered before that helps to answer your question eventually. In this way, I see them as a cheaper alternative to therapy, and my cards have been vital for keeping me relatively sane for the last few years
I'm a massive nature geek as well as a psychology geek. Nature heals and inspires me like nothing else. So I've chosen decks that visually resonate with me both in terms how how I plan for them to serve me psychologically & spiritually, but also how they appeal to me visually. All but one. But that one I chose deliberately to unsettle me, so it makes sense it's not my 'vibe'.
Here is my family of decks
Rider Waite Tarot
Classic tarot deck - my first deck. This one gives me life coach energy: it's not soft and fluffy but it gives damn good advice. I have had amazing readings with this deck - they have helped me enormously. Whenever I have an issue, I go to these guys. However I really am not a fan of the imagery - especially the religious symbolism in a lot of them like the Hierophant is really not my vibe. Which is why I bought my second deck:
Tarot of Tales:
At Drama school, I don't have time for a lot of things. This includes my vital walks in nature, and also a lengthy tarot practise. I got these cards because the illustrations are beautiful and animal/nature focussed and they're quite intuitive to read and have a very sweet gentle cozy energy. I don't have to constantly look definitions up like I do with the Rider Waite deck which takes forever. I use Tarot of Tales for my daily practise now, but when shit hits the fan, Rider Waite is my ride or die deck. As nuts as it sounds - I trust those things.
Woodland Wardens Oracle:
When I'm feeling overwhelmed by challenges and need to find my courage. My favourite deck for artwork.
Sacred Destiny Oracle:
My intuitive deck, which I use constantly. This is by far my favourite deck.
Green Witch's Oracle:
My daily deck - good for clarifying messages and general guidance
Urban Crow Oracle:
Helps me evaluate which risks are worth the reward and remind me to not ignore red flags.
Rose Oracle by Rebecca Campbell:
For when I'm deep in big feels.
Forest Fae:
Very sweet cards with lovely messages - I use these when my creativity is feeling a bit stuck
Archetypes by Caroline Myss
A purchase I currently regret... maybe I'll change my mind in the future. I bought them for shadow work but the cardstock is godawful - the're so shiny they stick together in clumps and they're so big they're hard to hold. I might try trimming them down to see if that helps, but I don't really know how to use them.
Sea Soul Blessings
I bought this deck before I really knew what oracle decks were. They're pretty sea images but there's nothing substantial enough in them to make me reach for them now I'm a little more seasoned with oracle decks. Also it irritates me that the different 'suits' have different backs so you know what you're getting before you even flip it over.
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