I'm not sure how this year has skidded by so fast. I had intended on doing a quarterly update on the whole drama school / becoming an actor journey but better late than never, right?
The Girl On The Train
Back in December I was cast as Megan in The Girl On The Train. She was the polar opposite of Mary in Pride and Prejudice. The script was fantastic, and Megan was SUCH a great character to sink my teeth into and I was absolutely chuffed to bits that I got her because I wanted her badly. She was vulnerable, incredibly damaged, abused and broken carrying loss and guilt around with her like a shroud. What a role to work on!
To say I had a blast working on this play would be a lie. To say I enjoyed it would also be stretching the truth somewhat. I loved my castmates, but the play was intense and incredibly dark and left very little room for laughter in rehearsals. Professional productions have about a month of rehearsals and then you're into the play which lasts a couple of weeks usually unless it gets picked up, and then you pack your character up and crack on with your life. This was 4 months of rehearsals, followed by an intense show week where we rehearse every night.
I learned one VERY important lesson from this play which is to make sure I put in safeguards to protect my own mental health. Because playing Megan really took a toll on me that I did not expect.
Interestingly enough, Haley Bennet, who played Megan in the film said in an interview on IMDB
I felt dread every day going to work, and sometimes I thought about not going because I knew the days were going to be difficult, but I had incredible actors to work with and it made my job very very very easy to immerse myself in the reality of what this woman was going through
So that was some comfort, to know I was not alone feeling like this.
Towards the end of March I started feeling a creeping dread about rehearsals and my own mood had plummeted and I was procrastinating learning my lines and applying for drama school. Many nights I thought 'oh god I don't want to go to rehearsal' and I dragged myself out to the hall anyway. (A clear sign that acting as a career is definitely the right path for me - anything else I would have bailed, but not this). I piled on weight, my hair started falling out and I started having constant headaches and tummy trouble which developed into the worst bout of insomnia I've had in a decade, and I'd be getting palpitations a couple of minutes before I had to get up and do my monologues. And it was definitely not stage fright because I don't get nerves about that. It was purely my body going 'no! please don't put me through this again'.
The thing is with acting, that I'm learning, is that while your head knows perfectly well it's not real when you're trembling and bawling your eyes out over the baby you accidentally killed, or when Scott, who is a gentle giant called Alan in reality, comes flying at you with a bottle and screaming in your face and pushing you around - YOU KNOW it's not real. Your body doesn't. It doesn't matter that seconds after I'd been bawling my eyes out on stage I'd be doing silly dances and joking around with another cast member backstage, I would have a migraine the entire night and 3 hours of sleep and an upset tummy. As stuff like this is work I'd really love to do professionally in the future, it's good I learned this lesson now, so I can find out how to build in safeguards for myself so my body knows that everything is ok and I am safe and none of it is real and Alan isn't really Scott and he's not really going to brain me with a bottle in a fit of rage.
The rest of the cast were very sad after our last performance and there were some tears. I did feel like a bit of an outsider during wrap because I was just relieved it was finally over. I was absolutely over being Megan. I went home and chucked my costume (which are actually my clothes) in the wash, and I haven't been able to bring myself to wear them again since. It has taken me 6 weeks and some fairly substantial lifestyle changes and several calls with a therapist to get Megan out of my system, and several appointments with a chiropractor to sort my hip out after having to fall on it so much. I'm not totally back to normal yet, but I'm happier, as of this week I'm finally sleeping through the night again and mostly off the sleeping pills, and the headaches and tummy problems have cleared up. This can't all be blamed on Megan - a lot of other stuff contributed to it which you can read about here if you're really interested This has been quite a lesson to learn but as I said, an important one, and while it wasn't the most fun/pleasant experience, it was a really good one and one I am very grateful to have been part of.
Drama school (The big scary acting journey)
Applications are in full swing. Stay tuned...
Comments